One of my clients just sent me this, and I was laughing so hard I got teary-eyed.
Dear awesome agent who will sell this book,
The tragic love story of Clementine and Russ, two lonely hearts from opposite sides of the produce aisle is sure to grab everyone right in the rind.
In the vein of West Side Story comes the epic veggedrama, ASPARAGUS MY HEART. It is a complete set conveniently told in only 16 volumes of about 500,000 words per book.
Clementine, a young, innocent citrus fruit falls peel over heels in love with Russ, a potato from the wrong side of the tracks. But Russ is part of the notorious Spuds gang, and even though he finds everything he’s been missing from his life in Clementine, he must resist her soft orange skin and sweet sticky kiss. She is a member of the Spuds rival gang, the Juices and if their love is ever known, they will be reduced to pulp.Everyone knows Fruits and Veggies don't mix.
But love cannot be denied and they meet under the leaves of the neutral tomato cages, safe in the knowledge that no one will find them. But one night, ‘Sweet’, Russ’s ex-girlfriend sees them and rats them out. Russ is beaten to a frothy pulp while Clementine is forced to watch. The horror is too much and she falls to pieces.
This story sweeps over the vast and beautiful landscape of the wild Produce Aisle, with cameos from such superstars as Morgan Seedman and Brad Cherry Pitt. Love. Lust. Betrayal. ASAPARGUS MY HEART has it all and is sure to please people of any age, and even carnivores. (I have to disclose that there is a brutal assault on a watermelon that may make this book unsuitable for small children.)
I look forward to sending you the entire 16 volume set by C.O.D. I’m confident you won’t even have to read it, and that the sheer epicness will make it sellable in about a week. I would expect nothing less than several million dollars in advance money of course.
Man, I love this job... you get to work with the most twisted people..... hee!!