I've been wanting to do a more serious post for awhile now. It's been nearly four months since I accepted my two book deal with Razorbill, and so much--and so little--has changed since then.
So what has changed? Well, I have new worries. Instead of wondering if I'm going to be wriitng forever and no one will ever read it, i worry about who is going to read it and what they'll think and if my sales will suck and what I should be doing as far as marketing and if this whole thing is a joke and my editor is going to change her mind every time I email her a simple question becuase i am being a pest and no one likes a pest. I have actual deadlines that have to be met, and I freak out when the deadline looms ever closer, and I have yet to tackle the biggest part of her letter. I talk about rights splits and option clauses, and try to act like I know what i want, when the truth is, I have no idea, because I've never done this stuff before.
And yet everything is still so much of the same. Beucase I still have to sit at the keyboard and get to work. i still sit on the train and quietly type away as the secenery rolls by so quickly that I nearly miss my stop, and I've barely written three pages. I still have to figure out how to write a pitch that doesn't make everyone just go, "Huh?" There are times I read my work and wonder if anyone will like it.
And yet, i think the biggest change, is not in the things related to writing, but in me. There was a time I wrote angsty posts like this. And I can't exactly say there won't be more of those, becuase of course, the ride from here can be just as bumpy as the one I just traveled. And yet, I'm filled with an unbelievable hope that things are now in my hands. That if I write the best damn books I'm capable of, they'll find an audience. If I can keep these balls in the air, I can build something from here.
On June 29th 2006, almost exactly two years before I sold my debut novel, I said I'm going to sit on this damned bench as long as it takes to get in the game. Becuase I want it that bad. Becuase I refuse to give up. Beucase I love the game.
Well, guess what? I'm in the game now. And that makes all the difference in the world. The ball is in my hands, and finally, i have the chance to score.